mr sotong ..(continue)

salam,

i was distracted by my brother to continue my blogging activity. now.. where was i? owh yah. emptiness.

to be honest im lost. i keep asking my close friends opinion on this matter. and they all give me the same answer which is "LEAVE HIM", u deserve better. he is so unmature. he cant even take care or even handle himself . how he gonna take care of you. at that point im not even sure what to feel and do anymore. im hearing two different part of story and solution. my friends and his. 

im still trying to figure out my move. should i leave him or should i be with him in patience facing his "PROBLEM".

So many question in my head. is he sincere? does he really love me? should i even care? what if hes not telling the truth? what if all he wanted is to have me and his ex both? should i leave him? what if hes telling the truth? am i that stupid? do i really love him that much? just so many what if and question mark.

every night in my sleep i keep telling myself. im gonna leave him tomorrow, say my goodbye to him and live my life. and woke up the next day with no courage or strength to do so. he keep coming to me. with that damn puppy eyes and pure sadness on his face. i cant even tell whether hes faking it or for real anymore. he become a stranger to me.

i keep myself busy these few days. doing everything i can to forget. keep myself together. spend my time with my family, mr ego and friends. yahh me and mr ego got close these few days. just all of the the sudden we start talking again after 4 months. he always thr to cheer me up.. to make me smile, nag me to stop being so stupid and open my eyes to other important things in life. yah shockingly he became that person... that shoulder to cry on at this very difficult time. why is that? maybe we just feel comfortable with each other. we talked for hours.. spend time for hours. we talked about so many things in life. our past, family, friends, and future. we accept the fact that no matter how much we love each other we cant be together for so many reasons. maybe we valued our friendship more than making things complicated by turning it into something else. i can see that he become more mature and wise( hahahah he sure gonna feel so damn proud if he read this). so many things happen.. so many unsleep nights ... so many heart to heart discussion... that separa sedar moment.. its best not to share everything here. id rather keep all that private. between me and him.

anyway, ive already made my decision... all i wanted right now is to be alone.. focus on myself and myself only. im not gonna lie. its not easy..im at a very fragile situation.. im hurt and still hurting. im just praying for the best. insyallah.

Messed up

Salam,
as usual im only going to update my blog when i feel like it. when i feel like this is something i need to remember in the future and to remind me of my past mistakes, sadness and happiness. when i go through this someday in the future everything that i wrote will became my memory. could be a good one and could be a bad one.

my life is my life. still going on. still working the same job that ive started 2 years ago. same salary. same organisation only some of my work colleague is no longer working there. met new friends, growing old and hopefully mature enough to face the rest of the world.( hahaha). what is maturity by the way? age? action? think? or may status? perhaps. do i feel mature because im older? it happen to some people maybe but not everyone. but i think ive might be just a little mature than i am 5 years ago. i mean i start to take relationships seriously and im not thinking about games, movie and cats the whole time. i started to take stuff more seriuosly (calling it "stuff"). yah work, future etc2.

anyways, just an update. talking about relationships with Mr Sotong. he proved me wrong the first time. everything went well. he even introduced me to his parents, relatives and friends as his future MRS. i started to accept him. NO. i have accepted him. love him, care about him and miss him. his family adores me. without realizing it ive became part of his families. his mom always on chat with me. asking me how am i doing. sharing her feelings and activities with me. i feel blessed. im in love with his family. i mean who doesnt rite? one big happy family. But 2 weeks ago everything changed. HE CHANGED. i was confused. i keep asking him whats going on? he became someone else. moody and even trying to find reason to be mad at me. i keep asking myself, did i did something wrong? maybe he got some issues or problems that he wont share with me? then suddenly he said he want to change his phone number and use his old digi number again. i started to able to guess. his EX GF.

i was not satisfied with the answer he gave me. i keep digging. finally he come clean. after almost a year of relationships he told me that he is still IN LOVE with his ex gf and cant get rid of the feelings towards her. he even put all the blame on his friend for telling his ex gf that he cheated on her with me and broke up with her.i was not aware that he was still in relationships with her and me at the same times. he told me that he handled it. no more and I BELIEVED HIM. he lied to me for months. he broke up with her for real this time and convinced me that he chose me because he love me and have no feelings towards his ex anymore and sorry for not telling me the truth. I FORGAVE HIM. stupidly forgave him. i thought that he was sincere with me. i thought that i know him too well. i know him for 3 years. before he become my bf he is one of my bestfriend. we shared problems and memory together. this is just sad. but nw all of the sudden he told me that he cant lie about his feelings anymore? he is still in love with his ex gf and that he already tried his best to forget her but cant? what was that? i cnat even describe how i felt on that very moment. i was shocked. i didnt see this coming. how could he hurt me like this? making me love him.. promises after promises.. and poof!! no happy ending. all just another bunch of lie created by this men. this men that claimed he love me. wanna take care of me till the last of his breath.

right now all i feel is emptiness. he told me that he want to get back with his ex and did get back with his ex. what about me? he wont let me go. he demand that this is just temporary and want me to be patience. just another problem with his own feeling that he need to fix. this is just getting ridiculous, he wanted both of us. how selfish is that?putting his own damn feeling first and not think of others. im hurt. still hurting. i dont know how to solve this. leaving him was not easy when he wont let go of me and still demand his present in my life. how am i gonna move on.

to be continue....