Somewhere somehow

Salam,
Its 10.31 pm. I feel a little sleepy and tired. All the kids are asleep right now and grandma still awake because she said that she still feel stuffed for eating too much just nw. Shes always like that. Eat late and woke up 3-4 times at night to pee. Maybe because of all the water she drank before sleeping. Maybe the medicine maybe not. My aunt and uncle at mecca right now doing their hajj. All the kids miss them so much. Escpecially the little one. Time flies fast in about 3-4 more weeks they will come home as haji and hajah. Insyallah. Aminnn.
Im praying that i will get that chance to do hajj someday insyallah. Im praying that someday i will br able to provide to both my parents to do hajj. Fulfilling their dreams on becoming haji and hajah. Able tu fullfill the rukun islam and standing in front of the kaabah feeling bless and peaceful. Someday.. Insyallah.

My life is so hectic this few weeks where i held the reaponsibilities of taking care of the children and my grandma. Not much actually, just making sure that everythings ok. Theyve eaten, go to school and safe. So no late night activities for a while. I even sleep early these days. Making sure the kids sleep before 10 pm. After that i will feel so empty and alone that sleeping early is the best way to washed everythings away.

At 11.55 pm ive received a text frm mr ego. He said "if i die tomorow, what will you say to me?" Sadly i saw that text at 5.00 am in the morning. I want to say a lot of things like "if u die, i will miss u".. "If u die i"ll be sad"... "If u die, somehow i"ll feel lonely".. "If u die.... ".
So many things to say but i ended up saying . "Live". Theres a thousands meaning behind that simple word. I feel like saying more but i doesnt matter how much i said. Somewhere somehow my silence will speak louder than my words.

To be continue..

4 am

Its 4.02 nw. I still cant sleep. Ive go through a lot of thinking recently. Mostly about life. What to do with it. Why my love life a mess. Should i even care or should i let this go? What is happiness in life? Is it to able to be doing everything like normal people do? Go to school, work, got married, children, get old and then die? Hmmmm i once saw this quote "the people who are still awake at 3 am is either in love or lonely". Me? Im in the middle of both. See i got this friend who got his heart broken after his gf of 6 yrs broke up with him over religion. Things like that shouldnt happen. He is one of my closest friend that so close to my heart. What happen to him is very unfortunate and i see that he has change. He became quite heartless and shutting everyone in his life. When i say shutting doesnt mean like he wont go out and socialize or talk to anyone. He just simply shut everyone emotionally. Each time i tried to bring this up or anything regarding this, he would just be there and stay silent. Avoid responding to me or my text. He just text me just now and said "are you sleeping"? I said "why? U should go to sleep or else you wont wake up to work tomorow" and then he said "if i can sleep i would. Nobody want to stay awake untill this late". Nevermind. Bai. Somehow what he said just got to me. Maybe i shouldnt said that. I can see the sadness in his eyes lately and im dying to ask him. Are you ok? Please talk to me. But i knew that he will just shut me down. He and i used to talk about a lot of things. Bragging, talk about problems, and him being that person that cheer you when you feeling down and sad. Not anymore. We dont talk like that anymore and i miss that. I want him to be happy. Found someone and be happy with life. Thats all. But for now im worried about him. He is in a very fragile state. And no one can help him but himself. I tried talking some sense to him. But somehow thats not easy. Hearing and listening are two very differwnt things.

As for me, things are still the same. A mess. But im still breathing. And i guess thats matter. My family needs me. My friend needs me. So i stop focusing or thinking to much about it and focus on other people. I got an advice from a stranger. Yes! He said " bagus lagi kasi keras sikit tu hati, jgn telampau lembut. Nnt habis kena pijak yg sakit ko tanggung sendri". I got that mix feeling on his statement. Agree pn tidak disagree pn tidak. A bit of both actually. I was feeling down this past few days. I dont feel like talking or doing anything. All i want is to sleep and washed everything's away. I want to sleep on broad daylight and wont sleep at night. The sad symptoms. I even fall asleep at work and dont give a damn about anything. Just when i feel so gloomy and give up. I got a very honest big smile from a stranger. Thats just make my day today. Thats when i realized a smile wont hurt anyone. U never knw that maybe your smile could just temporarily cure some other people bitterness. A random act of kindness. Everyone should do it. Just smile no matter how heartbroken you are. You never know right.

Its 4.39am. it wont rain forever. Rainbows usually come after.

Wassalam

HUGE MESS~ complicated post ever.

Salam,

its my first post in this year of 2016! another year.. the year that im turning 30 (maigad) hahahah im old, my relationship status is a mess, my work is a mess and all this sums up tu a messy life.

i had a rough year last year. ive lost love.. ive found love... kinda lost it again. but ive found myself a friend that always be there for me no matter what. all this makes me missing my student life more. work life is just too hectic. dont get me wrong, i love my job..but the pay is sucks. sometimes i just feel like quitting and find another worth pay kinda job. if only getting a job is that easy kan~

everyday i went to work with my heads on somewhere else.i just travel with my imagination. ive pictured the ocean, korea, bali, maldives, new zealand and even langkawi. some of this place ive travel and some i just went with imagination. and that sucks. i just miss travelling. travelling excites me..IF ONLY TRAVELLING WAS FREE, U WONT SEE ME HERE. yaaaa travelling requires money/expenses and in order to have that u need a job with better pay and offers great deal on getting leave/off day. my job offered a pretty great deal on off day but not so much in salary. world these days.. u cant go nowhere without MONEY. im not that crazy over money kind of person but its the truth. i want to travel more, far and as frequent as i can. but i cant do that without expenses. i can just lose my 1 month worth of salary just by simply going to kk hahaahha. a laughing matter. but its the truth. i need to step up my efforts this year. i need to start collecting my travel expenses for next year. i think year 2016 will be a stay home or picnic to somewhere close kind of year. hopefully im wrong. hopefully magic will happen and my bank account statement will start showing more digits so that i can finally go on my next dream trip. aminn..

so its 11.43 pm. its not that late. i just got back from my cousin's wedding at ranau. yeahh another wedding with same question. "you'll be next nurul. amin".."ada suda calonkah?" "mana suda bf ko yg ko bw thn lalu tu?" yup so many unanswered question. well to be fair i did answer everything with a smile on my face and said "amin" "insyallah". when people ask me 'are you single?' these day i just dont know what to answer them anymnore. im just like hmmm its complicated. i know its cliche'. but it is. i mean its like when i feel like saying "yes i have a boyfriend' but my life nowadays mostly empty all the times. we talked so little. and most of the talking became arguing over the same things over and over again. i feel like im more in a relationships with his mom. we talked like all the time. but when i feel like saying "no, i dont have a boyfriend. i am so single", this statement just felt so wrong. feels like im lying to myself.. feels like cheating because theres no 'end' of it. and just like that my love life..or relationships status became "ITS COMPLICATED".

talking about relationships. mr sotong and i got into a very complicated relationships. most people when i asked on their opinion they just said. "leave him, his hurting you". "u should get your revenge, go get yourself a new guy. cheat on him so that he will feel the same hurt he did to u". i received many advice that i should leave him. but despite all that.. the heart still wants what the heart wants rite. deep inside of me i know that i still got hope for him.. i still feels like i need to give all this time to heal. i still hold on strong to him.. i love him. as stupid as this sound is as stupid as it feels. im not making any sense rite now. im just a mess. i dont knw what to think anymore. im more confius than ever. this love stuff just got so freaking serious to me. but im trying to avoid being so emotional about it. trying to be calm and fine..trying so hard to forget on hurtful memories... but i just cant.. and unconciously im building thick wall around me so that no person can enter anymore. ive become quite, escpecially when im around my family. i spend most hours staying in my room just sleeping it off my mind... thats just so wrong. ive become that happy go lucky girl in the office but when i got home i will just stay in my room crying and overthink everything till i finally got tired and fall asleep and woke up the next day went to work with a fake smile and happy face. THAT IS JUST NOT ME. i became someone else. ive changed. i need to heal in order to be back to my old self . i dont wnat to admit this, but im just at a very fragile and weak situation right now. i need support but i choose not to. im done trouble others for my own problems. i need to fix this myself. im alone in this. no matter how this end.. 

ahh well. i'll just continue this later. sorry for making no sense at all. but my thought is all over the place right now.. gudnite.

wassalam.