Sunday, June 4, 2017


May just left.  Its jun 2017.
Its ramadhan. I feel really blessed and thankful to Allah Swt for everything.  My life, my home,  family and friends.

Lets just say thay the struggle is real. Ive been so depressed lately that all i can think of the WH question. After everything that happen why? I tried to seek the answer for my question and wait patiently.  But he ignored me.  Maybe he got a change of heart. He left just like that. All i can think of is i used to believe that he is the person for me. He will never hurt me. He is sincere. Thru thick and thin. How wrong was i...

I never feel this way before. I dont really know how to explain this but i feel like running away from everyone.  I just dont feel happy anymore. Whereever i go or do. I will ended up lost and stressing over the same damn thing. I miss him. I want to call him and tell him that but i cant. Or maybe deep inside of me know that i shouldnt.  I already promise myself that i will try my hardest to remove every single toxic person in my life. For me. Im truly sorry for that. I dont want to but i need to. Maybe its not me removing you in my life. Maybe its me removing myself away from you.

I want to cleanse myself. I want to be happy again. Be the old me. People say fake it till you make it.  I cant fake my smile and laugh anymore. Every single night all i do is reminiscing and overthinking. I know that i need to stop pitying myself. Stop being weak. Allah know that im trying.  I stop talking about my problem to anyone. I keep it to myself and act normally. All i did is pray and ask Allah to ease everything.  He knows what best. Everything happen for a reason. Maybe whats best is yet to come.

Why im writing about all this? Because i dont know how to cope with my depression and sadness anymore. This is my only way and hoping this will ease the pain even a tiny bit. I refused to lose. I dont want to give up. Positive vibes... Thats all i need.

Im praying for forgiveness and happiness. Insha Allah.  Aminnn

Wassalam. 😄

Saturday, January 7, 2017


its officially my 1st post for 2017. happy new year everyone. hehehe
its 08 january and we all past that new year joke. so what is my new year resolutions?? i have no idea. none. hahahahaha. its not suppose to be a laughing matter. i really need to start taking my life seriously and i did and still not working as im expecting it will be actually.

let me summarize. JOB = hmmmm , RELATIONSHIPS = pffffff , TRAVELLING = arghhh ..
yup still a mess. but i feel blessed to be surround by family and friends, still able to breath, eat, sleep, walk and talk. Alhamdullilah. who am i to complain when i still got my fully function brain in my head rite? well my fully function and yet i always ended up listening mostly to my heart instead of head.

Its past midnight and i cant sleep.  I did everything i could to feel sleepy.  Listening to music. Watching youtube.  But i cant seem to distract myself frm thinking about him.  I just miss him and i got so frustrated over why im missing him when he is out there that only god knws what hes doing.  I hope hes doing just fine.  I always pray for him.

He called me but i wouldnt answer his calls.  Im being strong.  The rest is up to Allah SWT to determine whats best and what always meant to be.  Insyallah.

Assalamualaikum and good night.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Somewhere somehow

Its 10.31 pm. I feel a little sleepy and tired. All the kids are asleep right now and grandma still awake because she said that she still feel stuffed for eating too much just nw. Shes always like that. Eat late and woke up 3-4 times at night to pee. Maybe because of all the water she drank before sleeping. Maybe the medicine maybe not. My aunt and uncle at mecca right now doing their hajj. All the kids miss them so much. Escpecially the little one. Time flies fast in about 3-4 more weeks they will come home as haji and hajah. Insyallah. Aminnn.
Im praying that i will get that chance to do hajj someday insyallah. Im praying that someday i will br able to provide to both my parents to do hajj. Fulfilling their dreams on becoming haji and hajah. Able tu fullfill the rukun islam and standing in front of the kaabah feeling bless and peaceful. Someday.. Insyallah.

My life is so hectic this few weeks where i held the reaponsibilities of taking care of the children and my grandma. Not much actually, just making sure that everythings ok. Theyve eaten, go to school and safe. So no late night activities for a while. I even sleep early these days. Making sure the kids sleep before 10 pm. After that i will feel so empty and alone that sleeping early is the best way to washed everythings away.

At 11.55 pm ive received a text frm mr ego. He said "if i die tomorow, what will you say to me?" Sadly i saw that text at 5.00 am in the morning. I want to say a lot of things like "if u die, i will miss u".. "If u die i"ll be sad"... "If u die, somehow i"ll feel lonely".. "If u die.... ".
So many things to say but i ended up saying . "Live". Theres a thousands meaning behind that simple word. I feel like saying more but i doesnt matter how much i said. Somewhere somehow my silence will speak louder than my words.

To be continue..

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

4 am

Its 4.02 nw. I still cant sleep. Ive go through a lot of thinking recently. Mostly about life. What to do with it. Why my love life a mess. Should i even care or should i let this go? What is happiness in life? Is it to able to be doing everything like normal people do? Go to school, work, got married, children, get old and then die? Hmmmm i once saw this quote "the people who are still awake at 3 am is either in love or lonely". Me? Im in the middle of both. See i got this friend who got his heart broken after his gf of 6 yrs broke up with him over religion. Things like that shouldnt happen. He is one of my closest friend that so close to my heart. What happen to him is very unfortunate and i see that he has change. He became quite heartless and shutting everyone in his life. When i say shutting doesnt mean like he wont go out and socialize or talk to anyone. He just simply shut everyone emotionally. Each time i tried to bring this up or anything regarding this, he would just be there and stay silent. Avoid responding to me or my text. He just text me just now and said "are you sleeping"? I said "why? U should go to sleep or else you wont wake up to work tomorow" and then he said "if i can sleep i would. Nobody want to stay awake untill this late". Nevermind. Bai. Somehow what he said just got to me. Maybe i shouldnt said that. I can see the sadness in his eyes lately and im dying to ask him. Are you ok? Please talk to me. But i knew that he will just shut me down. He and i used to talk about a lot of things. Bragging, talk about problems, and him being that person that cheer you when you feeling down and sad. Not anymore. We dont talk like that anymore and i miss that. I want him to be happy. Found someone and be happy with life. Thats all. But for now im worried about him. He is in a very fragile state. And no one can help him but himself. I tried talking some sense to him. But somehow thats not easy. Hearing and listening are two very differwnt things.

As for me, things are still the same. A mess. But im still breathing. And i guess thats matter. My family needs me. My friend needs me. So i stop focusing or thinking to much about it and focus on other people. I got an advice from a stranger. Yes! He said " bagus lagi kasi keras sikit tu hati, jgn telampau lembut. Nnt habis kena pijak yg sakit ko tanggung sendri". I got that mix feeling on his statement. Agree pn tidak disagree pn tidak. A bit of both actually. I was feeling down this past few days. I dont feel like talking or doing anything. All i want is to sleep and washed everything's away. I want to sleep on broad daylight and wont sleep at night. The sad symptoms. I even fall asleep at work and dont give a damn about anything. Just when i feel so gloomy and give up. I got a very honest big smile from a stranger. Thats just make my day today. Thats when i realized a smile wont hurt anyone. U never knw that maybe your smile could just temporarily cure some other people bitterness. A random act of kindness. Everyone should do it. Just smile no matter how heartbroken you are. You never know right.

Its 4.39am. it wont rain forever. Rainbows usually come after.


Saturday, April 16, 2016

HUGE MESS~ complicated post ever.


its my first post in this year of 2016! another year.. the year that im turning 30 (maigad) hahahah im old, my relationship status is a mess, my work is a mess and all this sums up tu a messy life.

i had a rough year last year. ive lost love.. ive found love... kinda lost it again. but ive found myself a friend that always be there for me no matter what. all this makes me missing my student life more. work life is just too hectic. dont get me wrong, i love my job..but the pay is sucks. sometimes i just feel like quitting and find another worth pay kinda job. if only getting a job is that easy kan~

everyday i went to work with my heads on somewhere else.i just travel with my imagination. ive pictured the ocean, korea, bali, maldives, new zealand and even langkawi. some of this place ive travel and some i just went with imagination. and that sucks. i just miss travelling. travelling excites me..IF ONLY TRAVELLING WAS FREE, U WONT SEE ME HERE. yaaaa travelling requires money/expenses and in order to have that u need a job with better pay and offers great deal on getting leave/off day. my job offered a pretty great deal on off day but not so much in salary. world these days.. u cant go nowhere without MONEY. im not that crazy over money kind of person but its the truth. i want to travel more, far and as frequent as i can. but i cant do that without expenses. i can just lose my 1 month worth of salary just by simply going to kk hahaahha. a laughing matter. but its the truth. i need to step up my efforts this year. i need to start collecting my travel expenses for next year. i think year 2016 will be a stay home or picnic to somewhere close kind of year. hopefully im wrong. hopefully magic will happen and my bank account statement will start showing more digits so that i can finally go on my next dream trip. aminn..

so its 11.43 pm. its not that late. i just got back from my cousin's wedding at ranau. yeahh another wedding with same question. "you'll be next nurul. amin".."ada suda calonkah?" "mana suda bf ko yg ko bw thn lalu tu?" yup so many unanswered question. well to be fair i did answer everything with a smile on my face and said "amin" "insyallah". when people ask me 'are you single?' these day i just dont know what to answer them anymnore. im just like hmmm its complicated. i know its cliche'. but it is. i mean its like when i feel like saying "yes i have a boyfriend' but my life nowadays mostly empty all the times. we talked so little. and most of the talking became arguing over the same things over and over again. i feel like im more in a relationships with his mom. we talked like all the time. but when i feel like saying "no, i dont have a boyfriend. i am so single", this statement just felt so wrong. feels like im lying to myself.. feels like cheating because theres no 'end' of it. and just like that my love life..or relationships status became "ITS COMPLICATED".

talking about relationships. mr sotong and i got into a very complicated relationships. most people when i asked on their opinion they just said. "leave him, his hurting you". "u should get your revenge, go get yourself a new guy. cheat on him so that he will feel the same hurt he did to u". i received many advice that i should leave him. but despite all that.. the heart still wants what the heart wants rite. deep inside of me i know that i still got hope for him.. i still feels like i need to give all this time to heal. i still hold on strong to him.. i love him. as stupid as this sound is as stupid as it feels. im not making any sense rite now. im just a mess. i dont knw what to think anymore. im more confius than ever. this love stuff just got so freaking serious to me. but im trying to avoid being so emotional about it. trying to be calm and fine..trying so hard to forget on hurtful memories... but i just cant.. and unconciously im building thick wall around me so that no person can enter anymore. ive become quite, escpecially when im around my family. i spend most hours staying in my room just sleeping it off my mind... thats just so wrong. ive become that happy go lucky girl in the office but when i got home i will just stay in my room crying and overthink everything till i finally got tired and fall asleep and woke up the next day went to work with a fake smile and happy face. THAT IS JUST NOT ME. i became someone else. ive changed. i need to heal in order to be back to my old self . i dont wnat to admit this, but im just at a very fragile and weak situation right now. i need support but i choose not to. im done trouble others for my own problems. i need to fix this myself. im alone in this. no matter how this end.. 

ahh well. i'll just continue this later. sorry for making no sense at all. but my thought is all over the place right now.. gudnite.


Sunday, October 25, 2015

mr sotong ..(continue)


i was distracted by my brother to continue my blogging activity. now.. where was i? owh yah. emptiness.
to be honest im lost. i keep asking my close friends opinion on this matter. and they all give me the same answer which is "LEAVE HIM", u deserve better. he is so unmature. he cant even take care or even handle himself . how he gonna take care of you. at that point im not even sure what to feel and do anymore. im hearing two different part of story and solution. my friends and his. 
im still trying to figure out my move. should i leave him or should i be with him in patience facing his "PROBLEM".

So many question in my head. is he sincere? does he really love me? should i even care? what if hes not telling the truth? what if all he wanted is to have me and his ex both? should i leave him? what if hes telling the truth? am i that stupid? do i really love him that much? just so many what if and question mark.

every night in my sleep i keep telling myself. im gonna leave him tomorrow, say my goodbye to him and live my life. and woke up the next day with no courage or strength to do so. he keep coming to me. with that damn puppy eyes and pure sadness on his face. i cant even tell whether hes faking it or for real anymore. he become a stranger to me.

i keep myself busy these few days. doing everything i can to forget. keep myself together. spend my time with my family, mr ego and friends. yahh me and mr ego got close these few days. just all of the the sudden we start talking again after 4 months. he always thr to cheer me up.. to make me smile, nag me to stop being so stupid and open my eyes to other important things in life. yah shockingly he became that person... that shoulder to cry on at this very difficult time. why is that? maybe we just feel comfortable with each other. we talked for hours.. spend time for hours. we talked about so many things in life. our past, family, friends, and future. we accept the fact that no matter how much we love each other we cant be together for so many reasons. maybe we valued our friendship more than making things complicated by turning it into something else. i can see that he become more mature and wise( hahahah he sure gonna feel so damn proud if he read this). so many things happen.. so many unsleep nights ... so many heart to heart discussion... that separa sedar moment.. its best not to share everything here. id rather keep all that private. between me and him.

anyway, ive already made my decision... all i wanted right now is to be alone.. focus on myself and myself only. im not gonna lie. its not at a very fragile situation.. im hurt and still hurting. im just praying for the best. insyallah.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Messed up

as usual im only going to update my blog when i feel like it. when i feel like this is something i need to remember in the future and to remind me of my past mistakes, sadness and happiness. when i go through this someday in the future everything that i wrote will became my memory. could be a good one and could be a bad one.

my life is my life. still going on. still working the same job that ive started 2 years ago. same salary. same organisation only some of my work colleague is no longer working there. met new friends, growing old and hopefully mature enough to face the rest of the world.( hahaha). what is maturity by the way? age? action? think? or may status? perhaps. do i feel mature because im older? it happen to some people maybe but not everyone. but i think ive might be just a little mature than i am 5 years ago. i mean i start to take relationships seriously and im not thinking about games, movie and cats the whole time. i started to take stuff more seriuosly (calling it "stuff"). yah work, future etc2.

anyways, just an update. talking about relationships with Mr Sotong. he proved me wrong the first time. everything went well. he even introduced me to his parents, relatives and friends as his future MRS. i started to accept him. NO. i have accepted him. love him, care about him and miss him. his family adores me. without realizing it ive became part of his families. his mom always on chat with me. asking me how am i doing. sharing her feelings and activities with me. i feel blessed. im in love with his family. i mean who doesnt rite? one big happy family. But 2 weeks ago everything changed. HE CHANGED. i was confused. i keep asking him whats going on? he became someone else. moody and even trying to find reason to be mad at me. i keep asking myself, did i did something wrong? maybe he got some issues or problems that he wont share with me? then suddenly he said he want to change his phone number and use his old digi number again. i started to able to guess. his EX GF.

i was not satisfied with the answer he gave me. i keep digging. finally he come clean. after almost a year of relationships he told me that he is still IN LOVE with his ex gf and cant get rid of the feelings towards her. he even put all the blame on his friend for telling his ex gf that he cheated on her with me and broke up with her.i was not aware that he was still in relationships with her and me at the same times. he told me that he handled it. no more and I BELIEVED HIM. he lied to me for months. he broke up with her for real this time and convinced me that he chose me because he love me and have no feelings towards his ex anymore and sorry for not telling me the truth. I FORGAVE HIM. stupidly forgave him. i thought that he was sincere with me. i thought that i know him too well. i know him for 3 years. before he become my bf he is one of my bestfriend. we shared problems and memory together. this is just sad. but nw all of the sudden he told me that he cant lie about his feelings anymore? he is still in love with his ex gf and that he already tried his best to forget her but cant? what was that? i cnat even describe how i felt on that very moment. i was shocked. i didnt see this coming. how could he hurt me like this? making me love him.. promises after promises.. and poof!! no happy ending. all just another bunch of lie created by this men. this men that claimed he love me. wanna take care of me till the last of his breath.

right now all i feel is emptiness. he told me that he want to get back with his ex and did get back with his ex. what about me? he wont let me go. he demand that this is just temporary and want me to be patience. just another problem with his own feeling that he need to fix. this is just getting ridiculous, he wanted both of us. how selfish is that?putting his own damn feeling first and not think of others. im hurt. still hurting. i dont know how to solve this. leaving him was not easy when he wont let go of me and still demand his present in my life. how am i gonna move on.

to be continue....