mr sotong ..(continue)

salam,

i was distracted by my brother to continue my blogging activity. now.. where was i? owh yah. emptiness.

to be honest im lost. i keep asking my close friends opinion on this matter. and they all give me the same answer which is "LEAVE HIM", u deserve better. he is so unmature. he cant even take care or even handle himself . how he gonna take care of you. at that point im not even sure what to feel and do anymore. im hearing two different part of story and solution. my friends and his. 

im still trying to figure out my move. should i leave him or should i be with him in patience facing his "PROBLEM".

So many question in my head. is he sincere? does he really love me? should i even care? what if hes not telling the truth? what if all he wanted is to have me and his ex both? should i leave him? what if hes telling the truth? am i that stupid? do i really love him that much? just so many what if and question mark.

every night in my sleep i keep telling myself. im gonna leave him tomorrow, say my goodbye to him and live my life. and woke up the next day with no courage or strength to do so. he keep coming to me. with that damn puppy eyes and pure sadness on his face. i cant even tell whether hes faking it or for real anymore. he become a stranger to me.

i keep myself busy these few days. doing everything i can to forget. keep myself together. spend my time with my family, mr ego and friends. yahh me and mr ego got close these few days. just all of the the sudden we start talking again after 4 months. he always thr to cheer me up.. to make me smile, nag me to stop being so stupid and open my eyes to other important things in life. yah shockingly he became that person... that shoulder to cry on at this very difficult time. why is that? maybe we just feel comfortable with each other. we talked for hours.. spend time for hours. we talked about so many things in life. our past, family, friends, and future. we accept the fact that no matter how much we love each other we cant be together for so many reasons. maybe we valued our friendship more than making things complicated by turning it into something else. i can see that he become more mature and wise( hahahah he sure gonna feel so damn proud if he read this). so many things happen.. so many unsleep nights ... so many heart to heart discussion... that separa sedar moment.. its best not to share everything here. id rather keep all that private. between me and him.

anyway, ive already made my decision... all i wanted right now is to be alone.. focus on myself and myself only. im not gonna lie. its not easy..im at a very fragile situation.. im hurt and still hurting. im just praying for the best. insyallah.

Messed up

Salam,
as usual im only going to update my blog when i feel like it. when i feel like this is something i need to remember in the future and to remind me of my past mistakes, sadness and happiness. when i go through this someday in the future everything that i wrote will became my memory. could be a good one and could be a bad one.

my life is my life. still going on. still working the same job that ive started 2 years ago. same salary. same organisation only some of my work colleague is no longer working there. met new friends, growing old and hopefully mature enough to face the rest of the world.( hahaha). what is maturity by the way? age? action? think? or may status? perhaps. do i feel mature because im older? it happen to some people maybe but not everyone. but i think ive might be just a little mature than i am 5 years ago. i mean i start to take relationships seriously and im not thinking about games, movie and cats the whole time. i started to take stuff more seriuosly (calling it "stuff"). yah work, future etc2.

anyways, just an update. talking about relationships with Mr Sotong. he proved me wrong the first time. everything went well. he even introduced me to his parents, relatives and friends as his future MRS. i started to accept him. NO. i have accepted him. love him, care about him and miss him. his family adores me. without realizing it ive became part of his families. his mom always on chat with me. asking me how am i doing. sharing her feelings and activities with me. i feel blessed. im in love with his family. i mean who doesnt rite? one big happy family. But 2 weeks ago everything changed. HE CHANGED. i was confused. i keep asking him whats going on? he became someone else. moody and even trying to find reason to be mad at me. i keep asking myself, did i did something wrong? maybe he got some issues or problems that he wont share with me? then suddenly he said he want to change his phone number and use his old digi number again. i started to able to guess. his EX GF.

i was not satisfied with the answer he gave me. i keep digging. finally he come clean. after almost a year of relationships he told me that he is still IN LOVE with his ex gf and cant get rid of the feelings towards her. he even put all the blame on his friend for telling his ex gf that he cheated on her with me and broke up with her.i was not aware that he was still in relationships with her and me at the same times. he told me that he handled it. no more and I BELIEVED HIM. he lied to me for months. he broke up with her for real this time and convinced me that he chose me because he love me and have no feelings towards his ex anymore and sorry for not telling me the truth. I FORGAVE HIM. stupidly forgave him. i thought that he was sincere with me. i thought that i know him too well. i know him for 3 years. before he become my bf he is one of my bestfriend. we shared problems and memory together. this is just sad. but nw all of the sudden he told me that he cant lie about his feelings anymore? he is still in love with his ex gf and that he already tried his best to forget her but cant? what was that? i cnat even describe how i felt on that very moment. i was shocked. i didnt see this coming. how could he hurt me like this? making me love him.. promises after promises.. and poof!! no happy ending. all just another bunch of lie created by this men. this men that claimed he love me. wanna take care of me till the last of his breath.

right now all i feel is emptiness. he told me that he want to get back with his ex and did get back with his ex. what about me? he wont let me go. he demand that this is just temporary and want me to be patience. just another problem with his own feeling that he need to fix. this is just getting ridiculous, he wanted both of us. how selfish is that?putting his own damn feeling first and not think of others. im hurt. still hurting. i dont know how to solve this. leaving him was not easy when he wont let go of me and still demand his present in my life. how am i gonna move on.

to be continue....

Latepost~ just an update

Salam,

Korea

I knw that i did say that im gonna update on the korea trip. But well what am i kidding. Im just a normal human being that forget a lot of stuff, escpecially when thr a lots of things happening around these days. Korea was great and im planning on having a second trip thr soon.insyallah. next blog will be picture and info on that trip k.

Me and mr ego(past tense)

Life has been great lately, but lemme summarize my early 2015 feels like to me. January was tough, february was frustrating, mac was depressing and finally letting that someone go and april was the recovering and back to old self anddd finally giving that chance to that person that claims "LOVE". I dont why, but somehow i feels like this person deserve the chance to prove his words. Well i finally practice on my own so called "love principles" that u loving someone and expect to much of him will gain nothing but heartache. It is better to learn to love someone that love you. Give that chance to him. Trust me, with acceptance that feeling will came along. If it doesnt, just be true to him. coz if he love u enough, he will understand. Thats the beauty of understanding by the way~. Well it works for me. My decisions to let the person go was the best decisions. He dont appreciates u yet he claimed that all the wrong was on u. Egoistic and self centered (thats him). Im still recovering and its a lie if i say he meant nothing to me. But all he ever did was hurting me and bring me down to my lowest. Emotionally depressed and broken. Sometimes it even feels like been thrown a brick on your face. Thats the end of it. No more.

Me and mr sotong

Its only the beginning. I learn to love him more these days. Everytime im having that doubtful moment or maybe i was thinking too much, he will hold me strong and tell me all the rite things to make me feel better again. He understand me and i understand him. We accept each other flaws. I guess thats why we became good friends. It took him 2 years to make me see that and finally have the courage to let me knw his feelings. And it took me 2 years to notice that. Well maybe i should just wait and see, pray for the best. Like i said its only the beginning.

korea~

ITS KOREA!!

i cant wait for our incoming trip to KOREA!!!!.. me, yul and dila~ well dila practically did all the research, guesthouse booking and our 10 days itinerary. 6 may till 16 may. yahhh 10 days. tamaha kan mo bejalan. nasib baikk ada ko dilong~

i got this mix feeling right nw.. i just cant sleep, nervous, and excited all at the same time.. its my first travel that far.. i mean come on! 10 hours flight..weheee. we need to be prepared for any unplan circumstances..dont put that much high expectation on our itinerary... pluss im gonna miss my munyit~ heehehe. take care of yourself ah.. tunggu saya balik~

im gonna update more on our incoming trip soon..more picture to come. heheheh.. hope everything goes well as planned.. aminnn. but right nw i need my packing list and i still need to work tomorow and the day after. 

hmmm oklah.. bedtime~ sleep2.  assalamualaikumm ~

silent

Talk about silent..im expressing myself thru silence these days. ah well~ seriously..im done trying, im done fixing everything all by myself, im done trying to make him understand that this isnt easy for me too. but this must end... its the rite things to do. 

Gonna keep tellin myself this.... stop being hurt and stop hurting. and for that, THIS MUST END. 

 stop being a fool.... u deserve better.. u worth it. i think everyone needs to know their worth. im not judging nor complaining.. im just doing what i can to make things rite again. be me again.. i guess this is the end of KITA. if you done trying..then im done too. im gonna step away... so that u dont have to choose. ive once told u that.. maybe im the one who need to step away.. mengalah.. but u said NO.  despite everything u said.. u did the same mistakes again..ignoring me..for weeks. and that was the last straw.. no more.

IM DONE...

Monday post

salam,

its monday and most regular working ppl, gov servants, students got that thing called "monday blues" kemalasan melanda di hari isnin. why is that? weekends just not enough anymore..more day off plss. lets face it people..we need to get back to reality, which is no work no money for food, internet, clothes, travel and bejoli. and for students my advice is embrace your student life already.. work life can be hectic, boring and time consuming. believe me~ i miss student life. even if u have not enough money but that is the most enjoy phase/moment in your life. uve got friends.. creating that memory like kurik tabung gara2 mo main game d cyber.. hahahah. your responsibility is simply to study and get good grades. the working world is not all rainbow and joy.. most of the time it can be boring.. more additional responsibilities. paying the bills, foods, clothes.. ah well adulthood. here we go againn~~ your friends mostly far far away.. some get married and busy with children new life and all.. some got busy with work and work.. no more fun time.. and occasionally thrs time we call "reunion" whr u can judge your fellow friend life.. howd the end up. success or no success. suprise suprise.

anywayy..enjoy your monday ppl..be thankful that youre still aliive and well. syukur alhamdulillah. so im going to share some of what monday is in islam.

lets read and muhasabh diri.

Kelebihan Hari Isnin.

Daripada Abu Qatadah al-Ansari berkata: Rasullulah s.a.w. ditanya sahabat tentang kelaziman baginda berpuasa pada setiap isnin. Maka Baginda bersabda: " Padanya Aku dilahirkan dan padanya Wahyu yang pertama diturunkan".

Hari Isnin adalah hari Pelayaran dan Perniagaan. Oleh yang demikian bagi sesiapa yang ingin berlayar atau yang ingin membuat perjalanan, maka seelok-eloknya lakukanlah pada hari Isnin.

Selain dari itu, umat Islam juga digalakkan untuk berpuasa sunat pada Isnin. Abu Hurairah meriwatkan bahawa Baginda Rasulullah bersabda: "Dibentangkan amalan-amalan di hadapan Allah s.w.t. pada hari Isnin dan hari Khamis. Maka aku menyukai dibentang amalan ku dihadapan Allah s.w.t pada ketika aku berpuasa".(Riwayat Imam Termidzi).

Peristiwa Yang Berlaku Pada hari Isnin.

1. Nabi Idris a.s. naik ke langit.

2. Nabi Musa a.s.  telah pergi ke bukit Thursina, untuk menerima wahyu.

3. Turunnya Dalil tentang ke-Esa-an Allah s.w.t.

4. Lahirnya Nabi Muhamad s.a.w.

5. Malaikat Jibrail turun buat pertama kaliya bertemu dengan Baginda Rasulullah. 

6. Wafatnya Baginda Rasullullah s.a.w.

Zikir Hari Isnin.

"La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahi" maknanya - Tiada daya dan kekuatan( untuk menolak sesuatu kemudaratan dan mendatangkan suatu yang munafaat) selain Allah s.w.t.

Fadilat Zikir.

Rasullulah bersabda maksudnya, " Sesiapa yang mengucapkan La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahi, maka ia akan menjadi ubat kepada 99 penyakit. Yang paling ringan adalah kebimbangan" (Hadis Riwayat Tabrani). 

la tahzan

askm wbt,

tiba rajin tulis blog.. mesti ada sbb kan. to express your feelings. hari ini hari jujur sedunia nama dia.
 1) to be honest is to stay true.
2) to be honest is to be faithfull. to yourself and the one u love.
3) to be honest is not hurting someone else for your happiness.
4) to be honest is to stop being childish and move on already.
5) to be honest is crying your heart out without anyone noticing.
6) to be honest is not able to say that u love someone because u dont wnat to complicate things.
7) to be honest is to let someone u truly love go so that he can move on.
8) to be honest is to be yourself.

AND TO BE HONEST.. MY HEART DONT SAY THE SAME ANYMORE.. MY LOVE HAS FADE FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE. what he make me do, making me to be that person.. making me the wrong person, the bad person, the third person in his life.. but then i go on and make the same mistake by falling for the person with similar situation..

cant sleep

assalamualaikum,
its 1.40 am and my eyes just tooooo stuborn to shut. and its been like this for a week nw. bikin badmud skaliii. ahh well maybe i just got too much to think before bed. just a lot. nvr in my life i experience this kind of feeling.. thoughts.. and maybe even love. ah well..im not that love dovey clingy or dependent type of girl.... im just not like that,

come on lah nurul.. u knw this is so wrong.. but mcm lagu c selena gomez, the heart wants what it wants, im just confused rite nw.. i knw he love me. i knw that.. i do. and the feeling is mutual. knplah skrg br begini..why not dr dulu zmn2 study duloo. why nw? im just too old for this kinda stuff nw. and he is too young. so many question and im not even sure if ive got all the answer.

i knw myself well. im not that much of a saint. tp im sure im not that bad type of a person either.. i always think before saying or do anything. maybe a lil bit too much. and nw im listening to benzoloo while writing all this stuff. hmmmm. i need a getaway frm all this.. but i cant just run and pretend like nothing happen. im just not that person. but nw im glad. HE started to get me. no more diam2.no more ignore2. nda puas hati ckp straight to my face. sy bukan ada kuasa baca pikiran orgkannn. sy nda suka men teka2. mls. despite all the things ive done to hurt HIM. he stay.. despite all the things he done to hurt ME. i stay. is this love??? seriously? tp bila pikir2 blk.. i give him nothing.. he gave me nothing.. all we ever did is talk.. long conversation about everything until we've lost track of time. its simple.. we found each other because of that comfort feeling talking about whats popping out frm our mind at that time. private stuff about life, family and LOVE. despite all the fights.. the breakup and the makeup.. we're still together. but still.. this is just not fair.. not fair to ME, HIM and HER.

i need to put myself together and settle everything once and for all. betul ckp kwn sy. stop wasting my time. maybe i deserve someone better in life.that i should set my standards a lil bit higher kan. stop being childish. maybe i should start being the bigger person in this relationship. END this.. walk away..

but despite knowing all this.. why in the world KITA still together. maybe ur rite..KISAH kita belum the END lagi. we nvr knw. but i knw that deep down inside ada tu "if only", "what if". i need to stop being sad.. "la tahzan.. rabunaa ma' ana". Allah SWT tau.. jodoh, ajal, maut di tangan dia yg maha esa. kita patut besyukur sbb dgn dugaan kecil beginilah kita tau.. Allah SWT menguji hambanya kerana mahu kita sedar dari kekhilafan diri.. be a better person.. redha dengan takdir and ketentuannya, bersyukur, and most importantly sentiasa ingat dan berdoa.. i need to remind myself about this over and over again.. manusiakan muda lupa... cukuplah smpi cni.. merapu sudah telampau.

"k" bai.