Salam,
its my first post in this year of 2016! another year.. the year that im turning 30 (maigad) hahahah im old, my relationship status is a mess, my work is a mess and all this sums up tu a messy life.
i had a rough year last year. ive lost love.. ive found love... kinda lost it again. but ive found myself a friend that always be there for me no matter what. all this makes me missing my student life more. work life is just too hectic. dont get me wrong, i love my job..but the pay is sucks. sometimes i just feel like quitting and find another worth pay kinda job. if only getting a job is that easy kan~
everyday i went to work with my heads on somewhere else.i just travel with my imagination. ive pictured the ocean, korea, bali, maldives, new zealand and even langkawi. some of this place ive travel and some i just went with imagination. and that sucks. i just miss travelling. travelling excites me..IF ONLY TRAVELLING WAS FREE, U WONT SEE ME HERE. yaaaa travelling requires money/expenses and in order to have that u need a job with better pay and offers great deal on getting leave/off day. my job offered a pretty great deal on off day but not so much in salary. world these days.. u cant go nowhere without MONEY. im not that crazy over money kind of person but its the truth. i want to travel more, far and as frequent as i can. but i cant do that without expenses. i can just lose my 1 month worth of salary just by simply going to kk hahaahha. a laughing matter. but its the truth. i need to step up my efforts this year. i need to start collecting my travel expenses for next year. i think year 2016 will be a stay home or picnic to somewhere close kind of year. hopefully im wrong. hopefully magic will happen and my bank account statement will start showing more digits so that i can finally go on my next dream trip. aminn..
so its 11.43 pm. its not that late. i just got back from my cousin's wedding at ranau. yeahh another wedding with same question. "you'll be next nurul. amin".."ada suda calonkah?" "mana suda bf ko yg ko bw thn lalu tu?" yup so many unanswered question. well to be fair i did answer everything with a smile on my face and said "amin" "insyallah". when people ask me 'are you single?' these day i just dont know what to answer them anymnore. im just like hmmm its complicated. i know its cliche'. but it is. i mean its like when i feel like saying "yes i have a boyfriend' but my life nowadays mostly empty all the times. we talked so little. and most of the talking became arguing over the same things over and over again. i feel like im more in a relationships with his mom. we talked like all the time. but when i feel like saying "no, i dont have a boyfriend. i am so single", this statement just felt so wrong. feels like im lying to myself.. feels like cheating because theres no 'end' of it. and just like that my love life..or relationships status became "ITS COMPLICATED".
talking about relationships. mr sotong and i got into a very complicated relationships. most people when i asked on their opinion they just said. "leave him, his hurting you". "u should get your revenge, go get yourself a new guy. cheat on him so that he will feel the same hurt he did to u". i received many advice that i should leave him. but despite all that.. the heart still wants what the heart wants rite. deep inside of me i know that i still got hope for him.. i still feels like i need to give all this time to heal. i still hold on strong to him.. i love him. as stupid as this sound is as stupid as it feels. im not making any sense rite now. im just a mess. i dont knw what to think anymore. im more confius than ever. this love stuff just got so freaking serious to me. but im trying to avoid being so emotional about it. trying to be calm and fine..trying so hard to forget on hurtful memories... but i just cant.. and unconciously im building thick wall around me so that no person can enter anymore. ive become quite, escpecially when im around my family. i spend most hours staying in my room just sleeping it off my mind... thats just so wrong. ive become that happy go lucky girl in the office but when i got home i will just stay in my room crying and overthink everything till i finally got tired and fall asleep and woke up the next day went to work with a fake smile and happy face. THAT IS JUST NOT ME. i became someone else. ive changed. i need to heal in order to be back to my old self . i dont wnat to admit this, but im just at a very fragile and weak situation right now. i need support but i choose not to. im done trouble others for my own problems. i need to fix this myself. im alone in this. no matter how this end..
ahh well. i'll just continue this later. sorry for making no sense at all. but my thought is all over the place right now.. gudnite.
wassalam.
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